Our little blessing is now in God’s hands. We lost our baby but was it ever really ours to begin with? We lost the baby months ago. I was not up to writing about it at first but now I tearfully share that God called his child home even before we had the pleasure of caring for it. It is in moments like this that I have to focus on what I know. I know healing takes time. I know God is good and that He allowed this to happen for a reason. Why do I feel this pressure to heal more quickly. Why do I feel like a selfish wuss when I find it still hurts to think about it. Everyone else seems to have moved on but me. I don’t know why I feel the need to publicly state these feelings but it is making me feel a bit better. I would have been 18 weeks along by now. I would have been preparing a nursery, crafting blankets and hats, and definitely showing. Maybe I dwell on these details too much. It makes the pain deeper and yet to state them aloud seems to aid in the healing.
It is through this trial that God is teaching me that everything is His and nothing is really mine. He has met all my needs and most of my wants. I don’t know why he chose to say “no” to this request but I will trust in His good character and lean on him when I am down. I will remind myself of all the wonderful blessings God has put into my life. I will sing of his goodness in spite of what I am feeling. What I feel has no basis on the reality of God’s goodness. Dwelling on God’s goodness however can radically change how I am feeling.