Our little blessing is now in God’s hands. We lost our baby but was it ever really ours to begin with? We lost the baby months ago. I was not up to writing about it at first but now I tearfully share that God called his child home even before we had the pleasure of caring for it. It is in moments like this that I have to focus on what I know. I know healing takes time. I know God is good and that He allowed this to happen for a reason. Why do I feel this pressure to heal more quickly. Why do I feel like a selfish wuss when I find it still hurts to think about it. Everyone else seems to have moved on but me. I don’t know why I feel the need to publicly state these feelings but it is making me feel a bit better. I would have been 18 weeks along by now. I would have been preparing a nursery, crafting blankets and hats, and definitely showing. Maybe I dwell on these details too much. It makes the pain deeper and yet to state them aloud seems to aid in the healing.

It is through this trial that God is teaching me that everything is His and nothing is really mine. He has met all my needs and most of my wants. I don’t know why he chose to say “no” to this request but I will trust in His good character and lean on him when I am down. I will remind myself of all the wonderful blessings God has put into my life. I will sing of his goodness in spite of what I am feeling. What I feel has no basis on the reality of God’s goodness. Dwelling on God’s goodness however can radically change how I am feeling.

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Willing a Heart to Beat!

My husband and I have had a bit of a scare lately. I had some mild spotting and after the third call to the doctor they scheduled an ultrasound. The baby, only 6-7 weeks, had no heart beat and I was found to have a small amount of subchorionic hemorrhaging. We now have to wait a whole week to see if we can find a heartbeat and in the meantime I am on TOTAL bed rest! This is no easy thing with a 22 pound 11 month old that I am not even allowed to pick up.

I have been so blest in my life and if God chooses to further bless me by allowing us the honor of holding, teaching, and raising this child than Praise Him. If he chooses to take this little life home to be with him before we get to meet him/her, than Praise God. He is good either way. Of course I will be sad, heartbroken even, but I will not grieve as those who have no hope. My God is good in ALL things even when I don’t see the purpose. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways higher than my ways. I will lean on Him!

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Doula Shopping

We are blessed to have a doula in the family. There are so many advantages to having someone so knowledgable during a time when many feel a bit lost in the oodles of books and opinions. In reality I would hire this beloved family member to be my doula even if she were not related.

When looking for a doula I hope for the following…

1) Ability to listen to her clients concerns, excitements, opinions, and desires.

2) Readiness to share your expert knowledge in an unbiased and caring manner.

3) Be willing to give the client time in order to consider the new information and choose what they feel is best.

4) Willing to be involved as much or as little as the client desires.

5) Ability to set aside personal beliefs and desires out of respect for the client.

6) Readiness to go the extra mile by doing extra research, helping choose a new ObGyn, giving extra visits when needed, and on call to answer questions and to help you know if you are really in the beginning stages of labor.

Thankfully my doula encompasses all of these traits and more. If anyone out there is looking for a doula please message me with any additional traits you look for.
If any of you live in my area and would like a high quality doula by your side here is my doula’s website. Who knows, maybe she will be just right for you too.



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Baby on board

My husband and I just found out that we are expecting our second child. My first-born is not even one year yet. I am, understandably, a little fearful. However it is not the having a child that I fret about. I worry about the raising of a child. The desire of my heart is to raise children that from a young age realize mans purpose in life. Every person was placed on this earth to have fellowship with and bring pleasure to God. I want my children, whether I have 2 or 20, to live for the higher calling starting at a young age and never wavering. I know it is rare to see obedience consistently through childhood, teenage years, and adulthood but I pray every day that God would allow my children to be just that. I pray that my children will be God’s children first and my children second. The only way this can be accomplished is with God in control. The perfect parent is not nonexistent. The perfect parent is God himself.

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Convenient C-section?

What is a c-section?

A surgical procedure used to deliver a baby using an incision through the mother’s abdomen and a second  incision through the mothers uterus.

What are the risks to the mother?

  • Infection of the membrane lining the uterus
  • increased bleeding
  • Blood clots
  • Wound infection
  • Surgical injury
  • Reactions to anesthesia
  • Decreased bowel function
  • pneumonia
  • Longer recovery time
  • Adhesions
  • additional surgeries (bladder repair, hysterectomy, future c-sections)
  • Emotional reactions (difficulty bonding with baby, negative feelings about childbirth, Postpartum depression)
  • Death (Very rare)

What are the risks to the baby?

  • Premature birth (if due date was calculated incorrectly)
  • Breathing problems
  • Low APGAR score
  • Fetal injury

Knowing this it is hard to imagine anyone choosing a c-section for convenience sake. I don’t believe it is worth the risk. On the other hand, in certain circumstances, it is necessary and saves lives.

When is a c-section necessary?

  • You have had certain types of c-sections in the past
  • Umbilical cord prolapse
  • Fetal distress
  • You have HIV or genital herpes
  • Placenta praevia or placenta abruption
  • CPD- Baby is too large for pelvis (Extremely rare and usually associated with pelvic deformities or a break that did not heal correctly)
  • Transverse lie at full dilation
  • uterine rupture
  • Shoulder dystocia

This is not meant to scare anyone. My point is just to make it clear that a c-section is major surgery and should be used only when truly necessary.

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Myth of Midwives

When a friend of mine told me she was going to have a midwife attend her home birth I was shocked. I thought that was something early american settlers had to do not something anyone would willingly choose. I envisioned a hippie with magic herbs for relieving pain and boiling water to sterilize the knife to cut the umbilical cord. I was totally wrong. I have since learned that midwives come with a whole lot of professional equipment now. Not every midwife has all of these items and some have more but here is a general list I found on the web. This list does not include the birthing kit that home birthing mammas are usually required to buy.
Urine Strips
Suture Materials
Ring Forceps

Suture Scissors
Cord Scissors
Infant Scale
Blood Pressure Cuff

Hemostats (clamps)
Non-Sterile Gloves

Oxygen tank with adult
mask and infant ambu bag.
Pitocin and methergine (as ordered by backup
Syringes and needles.
Suture kit w/ sterile gloves.
and homeopathy remedies

I was also surprised to learn that there is more than one kind of midwife. There are:

Certified Nurse midwives- trained nurses with additional training in midwifery

Certified Professional midwives– Certified by North American Registry of Midwives

Direct entry midwives- An independent caregiver who has learned through apprenticeship, study, midwifery school, or college study (not a nurse)

licence midwives Midwives- who are licensed to practice in particular areas.

Some of these catagories can overlap but hopefully this gives you a little clearity.

Is giving birth at home with a midwife safe? I believe that it generally is as long as you seek out one that is highly trained, preferably a certified nurse midwife or a midwife with a lot of experience, and as long as you live within a reasonable distance from a hospital in case of an emergency. Personally think I would choose a hospital birth with a qualified doula to aid in keeping to my birth plan but I wanted to shed a little light on a topic I once knew nothing about. I am still learning about the world of midwifery and am interested in hearing any corrections or opinions on the matter.

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Car Seat Woes

We have been looking into buying a car seat for our quickly growing munchkin. It won’t be long until he is too big for the one we have. We looked up general pricing and safety and headed out to Babies R Us to look around. We had a gift card so we made our purchase. We were so excited to put our son in his new big boy chair. We only had one problem. It wouldn’t fit into our car! We do not have a small car but none the less, it wasn’t fitting. We couldn’t believe it. Now we need to start all over again. Return the chair and shop for another one. It seems like this is a common problem. I guess most seats are made for SUV’s and Mini Vans. Blah!

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Sunday Life Saver — Don’t be too proud to ask for help

Upon bringing my new-born home I could hardly waddle into my house let along manage the stairs with any form of grace. Thankfully my family gathered around me and helped. My sister cleaned the bathroom, my mom made dinners, my sister-in-law cleaned the kitchen, etc. It was wonderful to know that everything was taken care of. We even had people from church bringing us meals!!! Any expectant mothers out there may feel embarrassed to ask for help but any one who has ever given birth will totally understand your need for assistance.

Unfortunately this will probably not be the only time you will need help. As your hormones fluctuate back to “normal” you may need a good friend that you cry to for no apparent reason. Even without the hormones having a baby is hard work and it may catch up to you. I highly recommend you find someone you can vent to. It is a way of keeping your sanity!

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Isn’t He Cute!

If you could see my baby you would see a blonde haired blue-eyed replica of his father. He would smile at you showing his only two tiny front bottom teeth. He may lift his hand in an awkward wave. He may attempt to crawl across the room to you on his still weak hands and knees. If given finger food he will use his whole fist to shove it into his mouth, if he is lucky enough that it doesn’t fall to the floor. You will hear him giggle, say mama, dada, and, if your lucky, even flutter his lips. He is my sweet little blessing that fills my heart to overflowing. I thank God for the generosity he has given me. I love my son so very much. I say a prayer every day for him and it goes something like this:

Dear Lord, Thank you so much for the blessing of my son. Please help him to come to know you as his personal Lord and Savior. Please help him to love you with all of his heart, soul, and might. I pray that you will put guardian angels around him and keep him safe from all manner of harm. Please help my husband and I to have wisdom in our guidance and correction of him. Please help him to honor you in all he says and does. Thank you for your goodness to us now and always. We know your will is perfect and we ask it to be done. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

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Does Mommy Matter?

I have heard so many say that as a mother it is so important to have “you time.” My first response was that it was selfish. Your life is not your own once you become a mother and they come first, period. Now that I am a mother I still think that the excuse of “me time” has given mothers a freedom to do whatever they want no matter what the consequences are to their family. If you are talking about an hour or so a day while the baby sleeps or plays happily on their own or with dad than I think that is fine. If it means going out every night or most nights while leaving the baby with dad, or worse a babysitter, than that is neglect. Our children need us to invest our time and energy into their development even before they are able to remember your involvement. Being a mother is hard and I am just beginning to see just how selfish I am. My little boy, without knowing it, is being used by God to sand away some more of my impurities. I have been a mother for almost 9 months now and am only now able to relish in the night-time feedings. Of course there are times that I wish I could sleep a whole night through but I have survived this long and it provides teachable moments with my son. I am seeing his growth even in the wee hours of the morning and this is starting to change my view from me to him. My “me time” is now “Family time” and I love it. I can’t get enough time with my family and I hope I never get too consumed with myself that I can’t properly meet their needs. So, in response to my question… Yes mommy matters… but what matters to mommy is not herself.

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